Don't wait up to read about that awful slow run tonight.  I'm still at work, and will be for hours yet.  Stupid job.  I really need a buxom 25 year old heiress to fund my immediate retirement.  Any takers?

I have to go to Paris for a couple of days tomorrow, back very late Thursday.  Will do a brief Eureka! jog tonight, and then a PROPER 30 mile run Friday.  

Prediction for that: 9:45 pace again.  I hope!

Following my previous blog, my assistant was indeed demonstrated to be correct in assuming that I'm an idiot.  Quod errata demonstrandum.  (Did you see what I did there??) 

When I woke up in my hotel in Boston on Tuesday morning, I found I had packed a stupidly large number of shirts, enough for a week and a half rather than 2 days, but no clean underpants.  Commando day!

And then on my way back home on Thursday, I cunningly managed to lose my phone somewhere between the departure lounge, and England.

The first Eureka! moment of the week came Tuesday evening, while out on an emergency ninja underpant buying mission.  My trousers were quite skiddy enough by then. 

Anyway, here it is: for an instant diet - buy American sized clothes!  In the Land of the Fatties (and the Home of the Cake), "Large" boxer shorts are the size of circus tents!  I'm officially size "Small".   Boo yah.

But back in reality, I had other stuff to do over the weekend... so the net result at the end of October is that I've managed to do pretty much bugger all training this month.

And despite what my American clothing labels would have me believe, my middle age has definitely spreaded a bit over the past few weeks.

Tonight's run is therefore going to be RUBBISH! 

Hence, the second Eureka! moment.

OK, everybody knows that three 30 mile runs a week is the ONLY sensible way to train for a marathon, and that anybody who disagrees is a dribbling cretin.  BUT, then if one can't actually manage any 30 milers?  What then?

Well then... instead of just scoffing a few pies and heading off down the pub... just do a short run instead!  An hour or so.  Or half an hour.  Anything.  Then you might not get better, but you won't get to the end of October having taken a giant leap backwards.

OK, this might be stating the bleeding obvious to most people, but I'm obviously special.

Okeydoke, predictions for tonights run:  Erm, 25 miles, 145 heart rate, 9:45 min/mile pace.  

It will be VERY late when I get home, but I'll update this blog if I'm still conscious.
 

Yeah, I've been quiet.  Sorry.  Massively busy, and I have to go to the US in, err, 35 minutes.  I realised this morning that my assistant thinks I'm an idiot, after the following conversation:

"You remembered that you're going to Boston today?"
"Yes of course I did"
"You have your passport?"
"Yes, it's in my pocket"
"And luggage!  Did you remember that?"
"Yes of course"
[peers suspiciously over desk, sees bag on floor] "Hmmm, well you have a bag, at least..." 

Anyhoo, I get back Thursday (unless I lose my passport or get locked inside my luggage bag in the meantime), so the first REAL run in a few weeks then.  I'm definitely going to hit 30 miles this time.  OH YES.

Now I definitely need to crank it up for Mumbai, to be sure of doing the 3:10 marathon.  EVERY run now 30 miles.  Watch this space for stellar improvements.  Then sub-3 in May: easy!

I never set a target for the Javelina Jundred next year.  Ok.... 101.5 miles... how does 18 hours sound??  (Before you divide one by the other and declare "SHIT!"; 18 hours will definitely place one well within the top 10 finishers...) 

By the way, as you were on tenterhooks, I didn't die in Nicosia.  Or get detained for questioning by Turkish forces.  I ran for 90 minutes down a big road, turned around, and ran back.  No idea how far or fast, it was stupidly hot (assuming 29C is stupid), there were lots of annoying roads to cross, and I didn't bother with the gps.

The other exciting news is: I finished shooting pick ups at last for my film yesterday!  Which mainly involved waving a realistic imitation machine pistol around on my balcony.  Now the editor is locked away with it, dumbstruck by its general brilliance.  The film, not the gun.  Well, that's what I assume from all the groans and swearing coming from his general direction. 

Most inconvenient.  How am I supposed to train?!  I'm in Nicosia for a couple of days working.  Or to be more precise: one day working, two half days either side spent shuttling backwards and forwards on aeroplanes.  They ought to move it a bit closer to my house (or perhaps more sensibly, have more than one BA flight per day!), which would reduce the journey time markedly.  

Anyhoo, either way, I'm in Nicosia.  Decidedly THE WORST place in the world to go running.  Well, the worst place in Cyprus, at least.  I shall however be a brave soldier and go out for a jog anyway.  So if I'm never heard of again I've been run over by a Greek car. 

Last time I came here I almost caused a diplomatic incident by going to look at "checkpoint charlie" to Northern Cyprus, accidentally crossing the line, and then not being allowed back over to the Greek side again, because I didn't have my passport with me.  After 10 minutes of arguing, they got bored and let me back in.  Fortunately for these purposes, I am decidedly un-Turkish looking.  Unless they have an enclave of pasty faced ginger ones with northern accents somewhere east of Istanbul.

I shall endeavour to steer my run away from the checkpoint.  Getting run over by a Greek car is one thing... last time I got runover by a Turkish tank, my pants were pretty much a write off.

And finally, I never reported back from Friday's run.  It was OK.  8:56 pace average over 20 miles, with lots of sneezing.  The manflu didn't however kill me, so let's count that as a qualified win.

Haven't run since my moosey adventures last week, I'm sorry to report.

First I was busy with work, and then shooting more pickups for my film.  I had to film a sequence where somebody smashes somebody else over the head with a big rock.  Unfortunately the hire shop for movie prop rocks is bloody miles away, so I had the idea of painting a loaf of bread grey, dirtying it with soy sauce, and sticking it in the freezer for a few hours.  Amazingly, it looks exactly like a rock on screen, and made a satisfying "thud" when it hit him.  And the bag of fake blood we gaffer taped to the back of his head did a pretty cool and very graphic splatter, too.  I'm a genius, I tells ya.  This is going to be the best RomCom ever.

Anyway.  No running.  So I was tied up over the weekend and then on Monday... my girlfriend deliberately infected me with some horrendous disease she had.  I think the medical term for it is "chesty cold".

Now everybody knows that, when ill, you can run without a care in the world if the symptoms are "above the neck"... but that if you try to run with symptoms "below the neck" YOU WILL DEFINITELY DIE.  No exaggeration or hyperbole there, you just WILL DEFINITELY DIE.

OK, that's clear... But what if it's "in the neck"?  Eh?  Eh?  "In".  It isn't above, and it isn't below.  It is, in fact, in.  So?  I ask this question because today, my back has stopped aching, I've stopped coughing, and my ears don't hurt.  In fact, I just have a scratchy throat.  I only have symptoms IN THE NECK.  So if I run tonight, will I be OK, or WILL I DEFINITELY DIE? 

We'll see, because I'm going anyway.  Huzzah!

Oh, and for full disclosure my lungs are still a bit crap, but that's not a symptom, it's a side note.

I'm expecting a truly awful result, though.  Let's say, 9:10 pace at 145 heart rate average, over the first 20 miles.  I shall endeavour to stretch it out to a full 30 miles though.  Unless, of course, I DIE.

Watch this space!

Hey y'all, I'm back. 

Managed one run up and down a mountain in New Hampshire, but no stats as my (sporadically useless) GPS couldn't be arsed to pick up a satellite lock. 

Didn't see any bears, but some frightening creature almost attacked me.  It was bigger than most houses, and resembled a giant camel with two large trees growing out of the sides of its head.  I suspect it was a gruffalo.

It blocked the trail ahead, staring at me for a few seconds that seemed like weeks, evidently contemplating whether or not I would be edible.  Then it decided not, and wandered off into the trees.  So I legged it.  A hotel man later had the temerity to suggest it was "just a moose, you sissy".

In the meantime, this comment came in.

"Hi Mr. C, I'm loving your work, both on the training and the blog.Can't fault the theory, though I reckon you're a bit hard on your parents; I suspect your genetics are a little better than you give them credit for...

If you're aiming for 8.7 miles an hour or thereabouts and your rate of improvement is tailing off, are you still confident that it will get you to where you want to be before next spring? Does weightloss become more significant? Are you planning on running your target marathon at a higher heartrate than your training HR and if so, what? Will you be adding runs nearer your lactate threshold (a la Hadd)? Speedwork?

I'm embarking on a similar plan for my Spring jaunt, so I am literally and metaphorically behind you.

Finally, if I complete 67% of my chosen event, will people still be in awe?"

Nice questions!  Thanks!  I'll arbitrary number, and answer them...

1 no, they are rubbish!

2 yes, still confident. 

3 weight loss will be pretty key!  If I get to my "race weight" of 11 stone, then using the broad average of 1.8 seconds per mile per pound at marathon effort... then that will give me around a 3:10 marathon already.  So then would just need to shave an additional 15 minutes off by next May using that overrated method known as "training"...

4 yes, higher heart rate for race day - around 160 bpm for a "full effort" marathon.  Allowing for a bit of heart rate drift, and assuming 2.5 secs/mile/extra bpm... I'm banking on 20 secs/mile pace improvement

5 yes, some faster runs.  eg 20 miles @ 145, then 8 miles @160, then 4 miles warm down

6 what's your spring jaunt?  Come to Mumbai!  I'll race you!

7 You would be awe inspiring for even contemplating entering it!  But then a c**t for failing so hopelessly.

Hope that makes sense?!

Do mail in any more questions.  I'm always happy to enlighten the world by showering it with my immense wisdom.

Run #13??  On a Friday??  An ill omen, perhaps?!  Should we have expected it to go horribly wrong? 

Well... it didn't! 

It was boringly mundane, in fact.  Felt strong and the legs held out well (such a difference from when I started running 6 weeks ago!).  25 miles, the first 20 at 9:02 pace at 145 heart rate.  A fraction slower than what I was hoping for, pace-wise, but getting there. 

Saw an over-excited dog knock its owner over.  Got annoyed by some tourists shambling randomly over the pavement.  Accidentally cleared my sinuses on a cyclist's leg.  The usual, really.

Haven't developed any mosquito superpowers yet, from yesterday's bites. 
 
The curve has definitely flattened out, but that was only to be expected.  Up to 2 weeks ago, we would have extrapolated a 2:30 marathon by January(!).

Tonight's planned run had to be ditched, because I had some work to do.  Boo!  Only ever doing 4+ hour runs is clearly THE BEST way to train in most respects, but it sure ain't conducive to 8:30pm conference calls.  Never mind.  It's a marathon not a sprint, apparently.  So I'll do it tomorrow night instead.

More work interference next week, as I'm in the US on business in one of those annoyingly unflat New England states like New Hampshire or Massachussets or some such (obviously I haven't got into the details yet).  Never fear, dear reader.  I shall haul my wobbly carcass out for a 25-miler Stateside, and report back. 

...and no doubt record a devastatingly terrible run.  Mountains are, of course, even worse than nice sunny weather for the more generously proportioned chubster.  Any errant black bears looking for a quick meal before hibernation will probably be scared of me though.  They will almost certainly assume I'm a lost, bald Grizzly, and leg it in the opposite direction.  Swings and roundabouts. 

The "aaargh!  it's a giant bear!  run for it!" effect sadly doesn't always have the same effect in my home borough of Vauxhall though. 

On the subject of fearsome predators, I woke up this morning covered from head to toe in quite angry looking bites.  Well, covered from back to toe, anyway.  And there were only 9 of them at latest count.  So I suppose saying "lightly sprinkled from back to toe in angry looking bites" might be more accurate, if somewhat less dramatic.

I did make the startling leap of logic that it must be because I slept with the window open last night, and my bedroom overlooks the river.  Bloody mosquitoes.  However, on further reflection, the Thames is (a) brackish, (b) horribly polluted and toxic, (c) very tidal [the water level rises and falls 10 metres twice a day here], and (d) very fast moving. 

Although (d) might be a consequence of (c), I guess.  I dunno, I have no idea about rivers, leave me alone.

Oh, and... (e) I live on the fifth floor!

Soooo... the only logical conclusion is, that these were radioactive, mutated SUPER MOSQUITOES!  If the story of Peter Parker is in any way an accurate and reliable precedent, which I'm pretty sure it is, then by next Tuesday I would expect to have developed some pretty spectacular super powers.

So maybe those black bears aren't so stupid after all.  Maybe they have very good reasons to leg it into the forest when they hear me trundling towards them.

OK, that probably counts as having gone off on a bit of a tangent.  So, tomorrow's run.  Predictions?  Hmmm... I would be happy with 9 minute miles pace, at 145 heart rate.  Let's see what happens!

...went Ok.  Not brilliant, not awful.  9:07 pace at 145 heart rate.  The curve is flattening, but we're still on target!

Actually I expected it to "flatten" much sooner, progress so far has been amazing.     

Now I really need to focus on SHIFTING (as opposed to shiting) the lard.  (Thanks for pointing out the typo, Bailey!)  Getting a new battery for those damned scales might be a start.  No improvement without measurement, and all that.   

Carrying extra blubber around really whacks your pace.  Something like 25 seconds per mile per stone, at marathon effort - so just shifting four of those by January will get me pretty close to the sub-3:10 target for Mumbai.  Let's have it!

It had to happen eventually... I broke my streak, and had a really bad run.  The one-run-in-five terrible one has, so far, been one-run-in-eleven, so I can't really complain! 

The first two miles went well, then I stopped for a loo break and noticed that I was POURING with sweat.  Much more than usual.  And it all went downhill from there.  Very quickly.

Dialed down the effort to the bottom of my training range, 139 heart rate, because I thought I was going to explode.  It wasn't pretty.  The pace came in at 9:28 for the 20 miles.  3 hours 10 minutes of not being very happy at all.  After adjusting for heart rate, that's slightly worse than Monday's run.  Booo!

Actually the graph would still look OK, if Monday's run could be erased from history.  But that would be cheating!

Pub tonight with Coach Barlos for a recovery red wine session, then back at it Monday.  How will it go?  If we aren't on 9 minute miles at 145 pace, I'll be slightly annoyed.  The blip has made it interesting, at least..!